29 April 2006

Scarface: The Sequel

OK.....I know it came out several years ago, but I saw Scarface for the first time, just now. Now, I don't want to ruin the film for anyone so if you haven't seen it yet, please read no further, but it ends badly. It is not an "up" movie. You do not leave the Cinema (or in my case the Couch) feeling good about yourself. I always get so involved with good movies - as any of my friends (or, as is often the case, "ex-friends") knows, I am not to be disturbed whilst watching a movie. Do not, under any circumstances say something like, "Hey this actor? What else has he been in?"....I am involved in the story, fucknut. I mean it. Even if the damned building is burning down, those flames better be pretty fucking close before you try telling me about it. And do not, repeat: DO NOT ever say "Watch this part"......Well what the hell did you think I was watching, Cecil B. De Fucknose?..........But I digress.

So anyway, I was really upset about the ending of Scarface. I'm pre-menstrual and I have a show tonight and I am simply not in the mood for all this tragedy. So I've comforted myself by devising what I think is a satisfying sequel to Scarface. I hope it will be a comfort to you, too.

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Scarface: The Sequel

FADE IN.

WE SEE SOMETHING SILVER AND SHINING. AS THE CAMERA PULLS AWAY WE SEE IT IS THE GLITTERING GLOBE IN TONY MONTANA'S MANSION WITH THE WORDS, THE WORLD IS YOURS EMBLAZONED ON IT. TONY MONTANA'S BODY IS LYING FACE DOWN IN THE POOL BELOW. WE SEE THE LAST OF SOSA'S MEN (THE ONES THAT ARE ALIVE, THAT IS) LEAVING THE BUILDING. SILENCE. SLOWLY, ALMOST IMPERCEPTABLY, A TINY BUBBLE APPEARS ON THE SURFACE OF THE POOL. WE "DIVE" INTO THE WATER TO LOOK UP AT TONY MONTANA'S FACE. HIS EYES ARE DARTING ABOUT WILDLY AS HIS CHEEKS STRUGGLE TO HOLD THE AIR THAT IS KEEPING HIM ALIVE.

HEARING NOTHING, TONY RAISES HIS HEAD ABOVE THE WATER AND TAKES A GRATIFYING GULP OF BREATH.

TONY: You there, Sosa? You there you fuck?

THERE IS NO RESPONSE.

TONY: (LAUGHING) You try to fuck me with your bullets, man? You see? I'm still here, you fuck! I'm still here, you cocksucker!

SUDDENLY, THERE IS A SOFT RUSTLING NOISE FROM THE TOP OF THE STAIRS.

GINA: Tony?

TONY: Gina? Gina? Is that you! (HE RUNS TO HER) I thought you were dead!

GINA: No, Tony, they can't kill me with their bullets.

TONY SEES THAT GINA IS HOLDING A GUN. AND SHE IS AIMING IT AT HIM.

TONY: What are you doing with that gun, Gina?

GINA: You want to fuck me, Tony? You want to fuck me?

TONY: No, come on Gina. Come on now.

GINA: What? I'm not pretty enough for you?

TONY: No, no, Gina...

GINA: You think I'm fat, maybe?

TONY: Gina, you talking crazy now.

GINA: You kill my Manny and now I will kill you!

GINA AIMS THE GUN SQUARELY AT TONY'S HEAD.

TONY: You think you can kill me with your bullets, man?

THERE IS A SOUND AT THE BALCONY.

MANNY: Gina! No!

GINA: Manny!

TONY: Manny! You alive, man?

MANNY: Yeah, that's right, you fuck, you can't kill me with your fucking bullets you fuck.

TONY: That's right. And you know who else can't kill me with their fucking bullets, man? You Gina. That's right, you fuck.

MANNY: Hey, don't you call her a fuck, you fuck.

GINA: Hey don't you call my fucking brother a fuck, you fuck.

MANNY: Fuck you, you fuck.

TONY: Don't you call my sister a fuck you fucking fuck.

MANNY: Fuck you!

TONY: Who?

GINA: Fuck you.

MANNY: Who you saying fuck to you fuck.

TONY: Fuck you.

GINA: Fuck me.

MANNY: Fuck you.

TONY: Fuck you, fuck me, fuck everybody!

THEY ALL DISSOLVE INTO LAUGHTER AND HUGS.

TONY: Hey, I been thinking man, this crime business is for cocksuckers.

MANNY: Yeah, that's right man. So what, like you gotta plan?

TONY: Yeah. We gonna go straight, man. I got 35 billion dollars man, and that's enough to start a legitimate new business.

GINA: A legitimate business?

TONY'S MOTHER ENTERS

TONY'S MOTHER: Oh Tony, I'm so proud.

TONY: That's right. Things are gonna be different from now on.

CUT TO:

ARIAL VIEW OF LAS VEGAS. WE SEE ALL THE GLITTERING LIGHTS AND GARISH BUILDINGS. BUT THERE IS A SHADOW CAST OVER EVEN THE TALLEST OF THESE GAMING MONOLITHS. SLOWLY WE LOOK UP TO SEE THE SOURCE OF THIS "SHADOW".......A BUILDING, BIGGER THAN ALL OF LAS VEGAS PUT TOGETHER. WITH PINK AND PURPLE LIGHTS OUT GLITTERING THE LAS VEGAS STRIP:

GINA'S HAIR AND NAILS

FADE OUT.

THE END

1 comment:

abethebabe said...

This is really funny.

"Boondock Saints" is a much better
gangster movie, and the word fuck is overused in one part that is hilarious.