22 June 2010

My Manifesto


I think it's a good idea that everyone have a manifesto just in case they should ever find themselves in the position of being the leader of a fascist dictatorship. It would certainly be embarrassing to be in that position and not have a manifesto. Success is when preparedness meets opportunity after all, isn't it?


Anyway I have given this some thought because I think it's clear that the world would be a much better place if I were in charge of everything. Thus:

My Manifesto

The Terms:

1. Everyone in the world must be a vegan.

2. Everyone is entitled to a sandwich (or its' equivalent) on demand.

3. No More Wars - Since I will be in charge of everything, there will be no international conflicts. Should smaller territorial disputes occur, they will be settled by the local leaders engaging in a wrestling match or spelling bee (to be determined democratically)

4 Penal System Reforms - There will be no death penalty. People who do forgivable things (theft, armed holdups where no one got hurt, etc.) will serve their terms by doing the little jobs in society that no one else wants to do. This will include but not be limited to vacuuming, cleaning cat boxes, doing the dishes and reorganizing people's sock drawers. People who do really horrible things like violence towards other people or animals will have to serve their terms doing things that no nice person should ever have to do like cleaning toilets in Calcutta, cleaning up barf at music festivals and numeric filing. Society will become a happier place when ordinary law abiding citizens are no longer encumbered with these tasks.

5. All art will be subsidized.

6. All political campaigns will be publicly funded - private funding will be forbidden. This means that it will no longer be a prerequisite to be rich to run for office. Candidates will be chosen based on their performance in a series of public debates where their identities will be concealed in funny Disneyland costumes and their voices will be digitally obscured. No one will be allowed to reveal their age, race, gender or sexual preference until after the winner has been chosen. Half the fun will be trying to guess who's under the Donald Duck costume.

7. Anyone can marry anyone else they want to providing that all parties want to marry each other.

8. Anyone can practice whatever religion they want as along as they are able to shut up about it when they are on public transport.

9. Automobiles will be swiftly phased out in favor of bicycles/horses in metropolitan areas. There will be stiff laws in place ensuring the proper treatment of the horses and many public stables in lots of convenient places. Automobiles will be available for certain situations on a temporary basis. Handicapped people will have special permission to operate electrically run cars that do not exceed 20MPH in metropolitan areas.

10. Marijuana will be legal. Other drugs will be legal in specified spas and resorts where there will be staff on hand to make sure everything's cool.

11. Hiring for jobs will be based on actual aptitude, not on what some moron thinks having majored in Theater does/does not qualify you for.

12. No more airplanes except in mountain rescue situations. If you are traveling to a different continent you can take a ship. It's time everyone stopped being in such a hurry. Besides, ships are fun. All your onboard meals and entertainment are included. What could be wrong with that?

13. There will be one day a year when everyone has the day off (except for the prisoners who will have to run all the public services on that day) and street parties are mandatory all over the world.

14. Televisions will only operate for three hours a day (you get to choose the hours) and there will only be three channels, mostly showing news and cat documentaries. If you want anything else you can rent it on DVD.

15. Local police forces will be replaced by Knights, complete with shining armor. They will all be very handsome but menacing when required.

16. Guns will not exist. And only the police/Knights will be allowed to have broadswords.

17. Individuality will be encouraged. If you are middle aged and want to wear a Prima Ballerina outfit everywhere it will be applauded. Even if you are female.

18. There will be a ban on nasally angry elf sounding music like that produced by Britany Spears, Lady Gaga and similar. If you can't sing properly you don't get to record music. Period. Also no more dances that look like they were choreographed by air traffic controllers.

That's all I've got for now.

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