24 November 2010



I've been on a diet recently - (WHAT ELSE IS NEW??!!) - and beginning about 2 weeks ago I started diligently counting calories again because that really is the only thing that ever works. So anyhoo, Friday evening, knowing I'd be meeting my friend Julie later, I thought I'd be ultra responsible and save calories for the drinks. So I ate 300 calories and figured I'd have 700 calories worth of beer.

Clever, huh?

So as I'm sitting there at the bar I thought, OK, 700 calories is really only about 3 1/2 beers to be fair, so if I want to get the most out of my drinking experience I should drink the highest alcohol content available. I was forgetting two very important facts:

1) I have no tolerance for beer even when I'm not on an empty stomach.


2) I live in Belgium where they mean what they say when they say, "strong beer".

So basically what I drank was equivalent in alcohol content to about 8 beers in a country where sadistic monks aren't in charge of brewing everything.

On an empty stomach.

Crazy? Hmmm. Yes, perhaps a tad. Needless to say I got quite sick. And when I say I got sick I mean that I spent the next DAY AND A HALF throwing up so much that stuff I ate in previous lifetimes was coming up. ("Where did all this barley pottage come from?", quoth I.) And as I was laying there in agony all I could think was, "I purposely drank on an empty stomach! What the hell was I thinking of???!!!" ....But it turns out there's a name for this syndrome: Alcorexia. Yup. In America where they can turn anything into a syndrome (that eventually there will be a pill for), the act of a person substituting alcoholic calories for food is dubbed Alcorexia.


But here's the kicker: like the syndromes' more sensible sisters Anorexia and Bulimia, Alcorexia does in fact work. Scarily so as a matter of fact. First of all, I was violently ill so whatever calories I'd had before The Event are now somewhere in the Atlantic; and secondly, I couldn't eat at all for a day and a half. I was pretty much guaranteed to lose weight - and don't think I wasn't cognizant of that particular silver lining even while my head was in the toilet. Healthy? No. But beauty hurts.

And here's the best part: Now that I've been purged I am starting from a totally clean slate. So starting yesterday (Monday) I've been eating the fresh-fruit-and-vegetable diet I've always been meaning to eat but could never quite bring myself to, and I'm not even hungry!!! That's right, I successfully kick-started my diet with an alcoholic binge! Woo hoo!

So if my success continues - and I have no reason to doubt that it will - I shall pen my own self-help diet book, tentatively titled, Drink yourself to a Size 4, projected release Spring 2011 (when I shall look fabulous in all the "after" pictures).

Tacky? Un-"PC"? Offensive? Hell yes. But can you name anything successful that isn't?


Lies said...

Why did you puke into the toilet? I'd have left the cats to clean it all up. Would serve them right, for once.

Anonymous said...

Nice - forwarded to me by your friend Gianni Sharapa