13 July 2010

Nothing Larger Than Your Elbow

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I am writing this blog entry with my head tilted sideways. Why? Because I have an ear infection. And how did you get your ear infection, you might ask? Was it from something exotic like swimming in a polluted sea? Something modern like listening to music with those annoying little "ear bud" thingies? Was it from radiation absorbtion whilst talking too much on your mobile phone? No, no and no. It was from my habit, nay, my pseudo-sexual obsession with cleaning my ears with those cotton swab ear stick thingies.

Yes, I've heard the warnings like everyone else has against inserting foreign objects into your ear canal. But why was it I was never warned against the domestic ones? Like Q-tips (a.k.a. "Oorstokjes" in Dutch)? These things are an evil temptation and a LIE. They are marketed as ear cleaners and yet always with the caveat that you shouldn't stick them in your ear canal. Well WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO STICK THEM? Did you honestly expect me to just gently dab at the outside of my ear with them? Well I'd hardly need a STICK for that, would I? These things have given me numerous ear infections. And yes, I've heard all the folksy things about not sticking anything in your ear larger than your elbow (which is impossible, by the way. Yes I've tried), but once you've actually gone in there with a cotton covered stick you'll always go back for more because it's fabulous! You don't know how much you want to scratch that place until you do and then you can't get enough! And the thing is it's all the better if you give yourself a slight infection - just enough for a little itch - because the satisfaction of scratching it is unbelievable. So yes. I was playing with fire. I was walking that fine line. Frankly the danger was part of the appeal.

After Mr. Jovanka had witnessed my second self-inflicted ear infection, he took to actually hiding the Q-tips from me. This only prompted me to go out and and acquire my own stash and keep them where he wouldn't know about them and find times to sneak away and use them unseen because I am that much of an addict, yes an addict people. But where is my 12 Step Group? What would anyone even call us?

So anyway here I am, ordered to rest, administer ear drops and not poke at myself. And you have NO IDEA how much I want to right now.

Stop judging me.
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2 comments:

Lies said...

How about picking your nose now as a replacement?

Lilacspecs said...

Heh, I do the same thing. I'm an obsessive ear cleaner and I'll never give it up.

Oddly enough, about how you talk about scratching the inside of your ear...one time a guy in college asked me to describe what sex feels like for a girl and the closest I could get was "well, you know how good it feels to scratch that itch inside your ear? It's like that only 100 times more fulfilling."

He didn't really get it.