I’ve been sick a lot lately. I’ve had bronchitis and colds and sinusitis and every other kind of upper respiratory thing you can think of. So the other day Wim took me to the doctor and they did all these tests and took a bunch of blood and did head scans and everything – all of which it seemed needed to take place at THE CRACK OF DAWN, and today, as I braced myself, the doctor delivered the verdict: I’m allergic to cats. I had been preparing myself to hear him say the name of some sort of cancer or Bubonic Plague or organ failure, so I had no idea that it would be something Much Worse.
I can’t be allergic to cats! I have 10 of them! But according to the doctor, this apparently is why I’ve been breaking into fevers and lying immobile on the floor gasping for breath. Cats and dust mites. So basically anything in the house that I’m not married to, I’m allergic to.
As I sat there in his office I went through the whole gamut of human emotions. First there was Extreme Disappointment, because I had already planned out a One Woman Show for next year’s Edinburgh Festival called, “Cancer Lady!”: I imagined all the fun I’d have with costume changes and different wigs and how much gratuitous press I’d get. So in a strange way, that was all a bit of a let down. Then I went through Anger as I reacted to this evil doctor having the audacity to suggest that I should get rid of my cats. Get rid of them? The last evil Allergist who suggested that has been the subject of ridicule in my act for the last decade! And finally there was Guilt as I came to the awful realization that not only was I going to have to start using the vacuum cleaner every day, but also that because of my physical impairment both Wim and I were probably going to have to cut back on having 4 or 5 cats sleep the whole night through draped across our faces. I might not ever be able to sleep with a cat blocking my air passage again!! It’s really horrible.
So now we have a new plan. I’m off to work in England next week, and the day of my return, Wim is going to hire a team of professional cleaners to do a big sanitization of our house, and then I will have to dust, vacuum and mop twice a day with a face mask on and Wim will have to groom the cats. And if all of this fails, I shall have to call N.A.S.A. and have some sort of suit constructed for me to be able to live in my own house. If I have to become The Boy In The Plastic Bubble, so be it.
Meanwhile I’ve got a big box of drugs the doctor gave me to try out. We’ll see how that works out.
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4 comments:
Been there, done that. My family had two cats and I was found to be allergic. The doctor told my parents and said "Can you get rid of the cats?" "No" said my Mom, "but we can get rid of Brian".
Rugs are the enemy, they house the mites. Tile or (fake) wood floors work better, clean easier. Use a HEPA air filter in every damn room - a world of difference. HEPA AIR FILTERS.
My allergy doctor told me to get rid of my cat and hamster. Phooey to that. I vaccuum more and try to work up the will to change that awful duvet cover.
By the way, I've been going through your archives the last few days: you're one of the really good Belgian blogs I've found. I am going on a trip there in September and want to be acclimatized. :)
I don't know if you'll read this comment section again, but if you do, a few months after I wrote this blog I gave up eating dairy products and it totally changed my life. My allergies are completely gone now and so is my asthma!
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